So, I don’t know if you got the memo, but we’re boring. We bore people. Those, who don’t support and therefore almost universally hate us, say we’re boring. Winning is boring. Defending is boring. Playing the oppositions game not our own game is boring. Basically, we offer to football what Chess offers to WWE.
Reason Chelsea are boring #1: that bloody bus
Yes, we parked a bus load of defenders (including José Boswinga and Chelsea Hall of Famer Paulo Ferreira, to be fair) away in the Nou Camp, against the in-formest of inform teams at Anfield and in a Champions League Final at their stadium whilst dogged with injury, suspension and an ‘Alexis Sanchez checked run’ (John). And we got pelters for it. Well, what exactly were we supposed to do in those matches?
Let’s look at our alternate options; perhaps we could have played our own game and be 3-0 down at half time, or attempt to confront these teams where they best operate, we probably should have just said “look, we think it’s best that football is the winner here, so fill your boots, we won’t stop you.We shouldn’t even be competing if we’re going to bring this beautiful game into disrepute.” As is common knowledge, we won all of those games in the end, be it on penalties or on aggregate married to the sound of a Gary Neville orgasm.
We won. Boring Chelsea won. Football didn’t. What’s your priority?
Reason #2: José Boreinho (brilliant comedy as usual)
Oddly, here’s where I almost agree, as an outsider, I imagine his teams aren’t the best to watch. He makes it all about him, it used to be brilliant but now, to be honest, it is boring. The wanky manner in which he just gets off at around 88 minutes, the post-match interviews about nothing and his unrivalled ability to reduce players to their component parts. We always start well, high energy, quick passing, plenty of shots, dare I say, exciting? Until a 2-0 lead is established, then we become a Snorlax, we get in the way. Just flat out stopping the opposition from getting from Route 11 to Lavender Town, and on the rare occasion they find a Hyper Potion, the game ends 2-1. Yep, a Pokémon reference. José only plays to win and he wants his players to do the same. He doesn’t want personality or excessive flair, he wants defence to quickly become attack and vice versa. He wants hard work, but for it to feel easy. He doesn’t want to have to win it in the last minute, or rely on other team’s results. Rightly or wrongly, he doesn’t do exciting, he does winning. There is no romance in losing – there is no Lampard in defensive midfield for the sake of it. There is Cesc Fabregas and Matic, there is the most passes of an away team in Premier League history against Crystal Palace, but there is still just 3 goals and only 2 of them his. Along with 3 points.
Reason #3: dem money moneyz
Chelsea ended last season nail bitingly close to the Financial Fair Play allowance, in need of a striker, a intelligent, ball playing midfielder and a wing back. So we cut the Herculean wage bill, sold two fringe players for nearly £80 million, filled our world class holes with world class pegs and had some pennies leftover for the Christmas party. Dull, I know.
It’s probably quite exciting to be an Arsenal fan, at the end of every season you take a look in the mirror and think “yeah this dress really doesn’t fit, it’s far too tight at the back” then Arsene treats you to a massive boob job, the dress rips and you’re forced to leave the back completely bare. But you keep plugging away regardless, wearing in week in, week out. You see your old dresses everywhere; in fact, all your best dresses have been borrowed, for good, by your ‘mates’. But it gets worse, having been forced to ‘lend’ your favourite dress of recent times to that mate who has everything, you even made them promise to give you back if you asked for it, it’s ended up in some other bitch’s wardrobe and, bollocks, she wears it better. That Cescy dress. That’ll do for the dress analogy, I think.
Dragging it back to the point, yes Chelsea have a conveyor belt of ins and outs every 12 months, and, to some, it’s probably quite boring watching us improve year by year without really having any right. But an ever growing trophy cabinet and a squad, not only with depth, but with a plethora of different modes to match our opposition, manage offer something different to the league every year and tend to compete on all fronts.
So sorry that your life is such a an adrenaline pumping, whirlwind of an existence that it’s rendered Chelsea as boring. That’s all there is really. An apology. Sorry you can’t enjoy it. Because we do.
