Blues in Brazil: a Chelsea fan’s guide to the upcoming World Cup

Every four years, the World Cup manifests itself as a beautiful, month-long dream. It is a time for all of us, regardless of nationality, to collectively shirk our responsibilities to our jobs and families and devote ourselves to internationally televised football. From the Opening Concert to the Final, reality doesn’t matter. It is something that we can casually set aside and ignore as we spend every waking moment reveling in the story lines of the tournament.

Sadly, only a handful of countries have realistic hopes of winning this thing. For fans lucky enough to be represented with a team at all, the most common hope will simply be to advance from the group stages. For American fans like me (and fans of similarly doomed teams), the hope is just to witness a surprise draw before elimination. So what’s going to keep everyone watching with rabid focus from mid-June to mid-July? Well, we need to find points of interest in every group, teams to support at every stage. To best accomplish this, we must place our interest in the players representing the Chelsea Football Club in Brazil.

Chelsea is widely represented this year. There are some notable omissions from certain rosters, as well as the failure of certain Chelsea-heavy squads to even qualify (damn you, Serbia). Nevertheless, it should be a good summer for Chelsea fans as we follow the paths of our current players, former players, players on loan, and possible future players.

Following is a group-by-group preview of the 2014 World Cup. In it you will find highly subjective suggestions of which teams to support according to one Chelsea fan whom you have no reason to trust. Enjoy!

Group A: Brazil; Croatia; Mexico; Cameroon

Team to root for: Brazil.

Why: More like why not? Look, I understand that supporting Brazil and their Neymar-led douchebaggery might be difficult for some, but these are the hometown darlings of a host country that desperately needs a strong performance to overshadow the multitude of problems surrounding this event. Security, finances and corruption are major areas of concern in the run-in to the World Cup, and the futbol-obsessed Brazilians deserve a strong performance from their squad to ease the worry. Need a better reason to support these guys? How about the fact that they are the most Chelsea-represented squad of the tournament? David Luiz, Oscar, Ramires and Willian all have a chance to crack the starting lineup, promising plenty of great moments from Chelsea players. Loanee Wallace couldn’t make the cut this year, but we needn’t be greedy. This will be a fun squad to watch, and they’ll almost certainly advance well beyond the group stage. (Side note: Brazil’s Nike kits are DOPE and this gives them bonus points).

What else to watch for:

Croatia – Chelsea loanees Stipe Perica and Matej Delac couldn’t crack the provisional squad (obviously), so there’s nothing here for Chelsea fans this year. If only Serbia made the World Cup instead (we love you, Brana and Nemanja).

Mexico – Another roster that one of our loanees couldn’t make (looking at you, Ulises Davila).

Cameroon – It’s hard to say at this point if Samuel Eto’o will be back with the Blues next season. Okay, so he almost definitely won’t be. We owe him our cheers anyway for his occasionally-sufficient form last year. Besides, this is always a fun team to watch.

Group B: Spain; Netherlands; Chile; Australia

Team to root for: Spain

Why: Well, reasons are hard for me to come by here. I really don’t want to root for this squad, but I will anyway, because Dave (Azpilicueta) will be with them! He’s lovable enough for me to put aside my disdain for the Spanish team and pull for them in the group stages. Helping with this will be the presence of Fernando Torres, our old pal Juan Mata, and possible Chelsea addition Diego Costa. This squad has been a juggernaut in international competition lately and it’s likely that they’ll be a strong challenge for yet another trophy this summer.

What else to watch for:

Netherlands – Van Ginkel was snubbed. There’s no way around this. A lot of Chelsea fans were really looking forward to seeing the guy play this summer, but it just wasn’t in the cards for him. But wait, there’s good news too! Patrick van Aanholt, one of our promising players on loan, has been on a rapid rise of late and made enough of an impression on Dutch manager Louis Van Gaal that he’s now packing his bags for Brazil. Hope for the best for this dude.

Chile – Chelsea only has one Chilean player: Cristian Cuevas, on loan with FC Eindhoven. Unfortunately, he won’t be going to Brazil this summer.

Australia – No Schwarzer? NO SCHWARZER? F–k you, Socceroos. And your dumb nickname and slogan, too (Hopping Our Way to Victory? Ugh.).

Group C: Colombia; Greece; Côte D’Ivoire; Japan

Team to root for: Côte d’Ivoire

Why: Because there are ZERO current Chelsea players in this group, so we might as well cheer for our homies Didier Drogba and Salomon Kalou. Besides, this team is always awesome. GO ORANGE ELEPHANTS.

What else to watch for:

Colombia – Nothing from a Chelsea fan’s point of view, but this is a fun, youthful team in a Golden Era. And the injured Falcao made the squad!

Greece – Again, nothing.

Japan – Again nothing again. Unless you want to join me in pointlessly taunting Shinji Kagawa with 7th-Place jokes every time he’s on screen.

Group D: Uruguay; Costa Rica; England; Italy

Team to root for: England

Why: Because… Wait, are you really asking? Okay, so only Gary Cahill and Frank Lampard will be representing Chelsea for England this year (pour some out for Ashley Cole’s and John Terry’s international careers) but England is Chelsea’s country. Every Premier League fan should be supporting this team in Brazil, even those who live elsewhere. As an American, I routinely cheer for England as an adopted home when the U.S. inevitably embarrasses itself. The Three Dragons will dominate this tournament behind the benevolent leadership of their mother, Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryan. Wait, what?

What else to watch for:

Uruguay – Nada for Chelsea fans, but obviously plenty from an objective stance.

Costa Rica – Tambien, nada.

Italy – What’s Italian for nada?

Group E: Switzerland; Ecuador; France; Honduras

Team to root for: Take your pick.

Why: This is another group with no Chelsea players, but unlike Group C, this one doesn’t have a Didier Drogba to determine a clear favorite. So follow your hearts, Chelsea fans! Personally, I’m taking Honduras, because once they’re mathematically eliminated I can ignore this group and focus my attention elsewhere. Switzerland has a very strong team this year, so we’ll likely see them advance with either France or Ecuador.

Group F: Argentina; Bosnia and Herzegovina; Iran; Nigeria

Team to root for: Nigeria

Why: Who else would you cheer for? Iran? Alright, so Argentina is the favorite here, and they’ll undoubtedly be full of dynamite and fireworks. It’s a squad that’s always entertaining. But this is not an objective preview; this is an extremely biased Chelsea preview. For that reason, we’re pledging our allegiance to John Obi Mikel and Victor Moses. Moses never accomplished much with Chelsea, but he’s had some truly impressive stretches on the international circuit with Nigeria, scoring some huge goals in the Africa Cup of Nations, and I would recommend all of you to tune into his matches this summer. Likewise, Mikel will be fun to watch in Brazil. He’s been solid in the Premier League, and he’s given us many fine performances. But, for some reason or another, the dude just doesn’t score goals in a Chelsea uniform. He scores at least at a slightly better pace with Nigeria, and he’s likely thirsty to impress after missing the World Cup in 2010 with injury.

What else to watch for:

Argentina – There’s obviously plenty to watch here, just not really for Chelsea fans.

Bosnia and Herzegovina – Love these guys! Although once again I must complain that Serbia won’t be playing. Seriously, Bosnia and Herzegovina but not Serbia? Damn.

Iran – Probably some kind of story here but I don’t want to even bother researching it.

Group G: Germany; Portugal; Ghana; USA

Team to root for: USA! USA! USA! Kidding. Germany by a hair over Ghana.

Why: Everybody likes Andre Schurrle. This is a simple fact of science.

What else to watch for:

Portugal – Cristiano Ronaldo, love him or hate him, deserves the attention of every football fan.

Ghana – Christian Atsu, one of our players on loan, made the provisional squad, so let’s give the dude a slow-clap. Essien, one of our favorite former Blues, will of course also be there.

United States – Probably on track to be embarrassed by Ghana again. Sad tears. (USA.USA.USA.)

Group H: Belgium; Algeria; Russia; South Korea

Team to watch: Belgium, clearly.

Why: After Brazil, Belgium is Chelsea’s most-represented squad. Eden Hazard will shine brightly this summer, but his brother Thorgan has a chance to crack the final squad as well (he was just named to the provisional 30-man as an alternate). Having two Hazard brothers in Brazil would be awesome for Chelsea, but even if this doesn’t pan out, there will be plenty more to keep an eye on. Featuring strongly along with Eden on this Golden-Era Belgium squad will be our two best loanees: Romelu Lukaku and Thibaut Courtois. With these three stars on the Belgium squad, Chelsea will be represented in the midfield, the strike force, and in goal, and will hopefully be responsible for the majority of Belgium’s highlight reel.

What else to watch for:

Algeria – I mean, you can watch if you want.

Russia – I had the pleasure of attending a Russia v. Israel World Cup Qualifier in St. Petersburg last Fall. An incredibly boring performance from an incredibly boring home team. The most exciting part of the match was watching drunk spectators grow increasingly anti-semetic until they began to pass out.

South Korea – I would say The Reds might be fun to watch just for the inevitable embarrassment, if not for the fact that I for some reason expect them to advance past Russia and Algeria.

 

(tl;dr: focus on Brazil and Belgium and you’ll likely have a horse in the race until the final stages.)